Gracie's World: The Diary of a Small, Quiet Cat

gracie's world november 2002 and december 2002

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December 1, 2002

Dear Muffin,

Please tell me why anybody in their right mind would collect troll dolls.

Yours, Gracie

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November 3, 2002

dear santa claus how are you i am ok.

please send these for chrsitmas

tube legs
1 toy that flops over and over and over
a good book about some rats
1 horse

mostly what i want for chrsitmas though is a nise big fluffy white thing

yours truly

chessie

ps i am a very good kid just ask anybody

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jelly bean piles, 1862 York , Pennsylvania
November 12, 1860

Dear Ardelade,

It is with great remorse that I must inform you that your letter arrived three days too late. I sold the last of the antimacassars to Reverend Bilk for the church bazzar.

Take comfort that it is for a good cause.

Do extend my fondest regards to Tricky Woo, Jelly Bean, and the rest of our brave boys. I am certain that they will find fitting substitutes for the antimacassars.

My Prayers, as always,

Mrs. Alfred Cooksie

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honoring those whose lives have been changed by UNIX

Marel Trout
110 Baskerville Lane
Bassettville, PA 11116

Nissan Corporation

December 5, 2002

Dear Nissan Corporation,

I really like the 2002 NISSAN FRONTIER. It is a great truck. There's just one small quirk I thought you would appreciate knowing about. When I put the truck into fifth gear at 46 miles per hour, the truck levitates. That would be alright except I don't own a pilot's license.

Last time it did this I was not able to land until 7 1/2 hours later. The truck was damned near out of gas.

Anyway, I was thinking that you might want to put something about this in the owner's manual

Yours Truly,

M. T.

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flode!
Edsel Trout
110 Baskerville Lane
Bassettville, PA 11116

Live Poultry Suppliers, Inc.

1146 Pennsylvania Ave.
Pullet, Idaho 44666-1212

December 10, 2002

To Whom It May Concern:

Please send the following young poultry after May 1:

120 Aracondas
120 Silkies
120 Rhode Island Reds
300 Turkeys (whatever breed's the best buy)
100 goslings (best buy)

Also, send 7 chick waterers; 4 chick feeding trays; and 2 gallons of your special-formula chick bather.

Remember to leave the chicks and goslings in the wooden box on the West Porch. Be sure to latch the box. We have a high population of predators in these parts, including some Highly Coiffed Coyotes.

Yours,

Edsel Trout

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From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Date: November 12, 2002 Time: 8:38 p.m.
Subject: Sucks

Hi there Robert. Is this really you, or do you hire somebody to hit DELETE?

As a norm, I don't write fan mail, plus this isn't exactly fan mail, but I just have to ask the question: what the hell were you thinking? Your last album was nowhere all at once.

Should I continue to be a fan? Please advise.

Pia Clawsnlegs

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November 11, 2002

Dear Muffin,

The reason I ask about those troll dolls is Chickenloaf is collecting troll dolls. There are 19 of them standing around on the top of the chifforobe. It is like a bizarre plastic minstrel show.

They have upright hair. That hair, it is in colors like refrigerator mold.

They have chilling vacuuous gazes.

Gracie

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first satellite dish cat collar November 13, 2002

Dear Nissan Corporation,

I got this idea for a car alarm today when I was walking by an El Camino. I thought you might be interested.

See, when somebody attempts to break into, for example, a 2002 NISSAN FRONTIER, the truck springs 10 feet into the air! It bounces all around the parking lot!

This would not only foil, but also flatten the intruder.

Yours,

M.T.

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celebrating more than 2000 years of church bazaar cakes Acme School Supplier, Inc.

November 3, 2002

Please send the following school supplies by January 13:

- 20 boxes Iriquois pencils and erasers
- 20 Pink Pearl erasers
- One new globe of the Earth (make sure that the Belgian Congo is represented this time!)
- 5 boxes of Big Chief writing paper, lined
- 1 set of wooden Montessori numbered rods
- 1 set of Montessori counting beads, glass
- 12 abacuses
- 6 packets of colored dustless chalk
- 1 music staff chalk holder
- 1 full set McGuffey Readers
- 2 felt boards
- 2 sets felt alphabet letters
- 12 copies of More Times and Places 4^th Grade Reader, 1955 edition, errata corrected

Thank you,

Ms. Elizabeth Wysiwyg
Headmistress
Little Road Apple Public School

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first plymouth valiant in space November 9, 2002

My Darling Susana Baca,

From the first moment that I heard your starlit voice, I wept bitterly. Yet with joy! It is true: You are from my Native Land.

Thank you. THANK YOU.

Yours Forever and Ever and Always,

Benjamin Carhartt

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From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Date: November 10, 2002 Time: 12:01 a.m.
Subject: Gracie's World

Hello.

I hit your Web site by accident when I was looking for enlightenment just now, and I was shocked to see what are clearly references to my cousin Argy Bargy. How is it that you know my cousin Argy Bargy? Why do you write about my cousin Argy Bargy? What gives you the right to violate my cousin Argy Bargy's privacy and stuff? Will no one give us Meadow Voles rest??

Nonce Kerfuffle
Binghamton, NY

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From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Date: November 11, 2002 Time: 11:25 p.m.
Subject: Gracie's World

Whoever:

What kind of Web site is this? It's impossible to navigate, plus there are zero Flash animations. Zero, dude. Then there's the content. I don't get it. Deer don't go to school. That's stupid.

You ought to get a really sharp high schooler to redo your site.

Damon Podsnap
Honors Student, Yearbook Editor, Wrestling Manager, and Future Information Sciences Major
Borg Area High School
!!!!!! GO BADGERS !!!!!!

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save the warren toads! November 2, 2002

Dear Restoration Hardware Catalog:

With a name like that how come you sell bath towels. It frustrates carpenters.

M. T.

dear mr. tolkein;

please tell me how come that nice legolas he never does run out of arrowes?

a.f.a.
r.m.a.
x.x.x.o.o.o.x.x.x!

chessie van lips

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November 5, 2002

Dear Tivoli Trollery,

Please send to me the Happy Cheerleader Troll Doll plus the Happy Brain Surgeon Troll Doll. That will complete my 2002 Troll Doll Collection.

Enclosed is one of Dad's credit cards just send it back when you are done with it.

Yours Truly,

Chickenloaf ToeDancer

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snooples house November 20, 2002

Dear Little Sister Snooples,

This must be a short letter, as today is Cabbage Harvest Day. The Danish Ballheads are famously large this year! A photographer from the local newspaper visited early this month to photograph the rows upon rows lovely blue balls.

You will be pleased to hear that Snooples House is now haven for 11,565 orphaned possums; raccoons, armadilloes, mourning dove chicks, and many other young ones orphaned by road kills. Bless you.

Enclosed is the Franciscan monk's robe with the removable velcro-attached hood and matching sandals you asked for in your last letter. Brother Frisky sheared one of our best ewes, spun the wool, wove the fabric, and assembled the garment himself, adding the hip flask pocket you especially wanted. I am sure Dad will be overjoyed at your thoughtful gift.

In other matters, I received an autographed copy of Big Two-Handled Toilet from our beloved Pork Boat just yesterday. Quite the author, our Pork Boat!

Must go now and sharpen the cabbage knives. Remember to always remain as good and pure-hearted as you are, and say your novellas each day.

Vaya con Dios,

Brother Nosegay
St. Claws Monestary & Brewery
Ithaca, NY

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120 Hemingway Colony, Florida

Snooples and Chessie Van Lips
December 4, 2002

Hi, Dolls!

Take the enclosed cash and have yourself a good time this Christmas. Courtesy of Penguin Books. Published annotated version of Big Two-Handled Toilet last month. Can you believe, it's already being analyzed to death in graduate seminars everywhere! If that's not a sign of literary success, I don't know what is.

Must dash off now, more later. I have an Ice Banger match, and I am the goalie.

Steven King says hello. He's really not a bad fellow, once you get past all that unfortunate cat business in his novels.

Love and Kisses,

Your Big Brother, Pork Boat
a.k.a Soup Bowl

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pia clawsnlegs, organizer of the historic four-cat march November 24, 2002

Dearest Gracie,

I wish to thank you so very much for the box of tiny broken camera bits!

I can tell that these bits were once a specimen of the very wonderful camera known as the Hasselblad. You are so very generous with your father's things!

These camera bits will make more beautiful jewelry which we can sell in the marketplace. My smallest brother will soon have sturdy cast iron shoes!

Your Best Friend Who is Far Away,

Muffin

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November 6, 2002

Dear Nissan Corporation;

Here's a great marketing idea I thought of. You should offer sporty pet carriers to match your vechicles. For example, a big beefy dog carrier with a nonskid lining to match the NISSAN FRONTIER 4X4 Club Cab. Roll bars would cost extra.

Yours,

M.T.

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inverted beetle November 29, 2002

Dear Sharper Image:

Here's an idea I have. I think you would sell a lot of these, especially at the Holidays: A gun-shaped wallet!

See, every time the owner of the gun-shaped walled pulls out his wallet, say, in a bank, an airport, or a convenience store late at night, everybody would think it was a gun!

It would be a real attention getter plus loads of laughs.

Yours,

M.T.

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November 22, 2002

Chèr Mr. N'Dour,

I have been meaning to write to you and thank you for all the wonderful music that you have brought to the world. Clearly we are from the same Native Land.

Faithfully Yours,

Benjaman Carhartt

P.S.
Is it true that Snooples wrote many of the songs on your album Joko?? I would not be surprised. They do demonstrate her unique poignancy and conviction. B.C.

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ernesto hidalgo, first chiauaua in congress november 26, 2002

dear mr hindenburg announcer guy,

how did you get to be a advise columnist. i really want to be an advise colunnist and give advice. i think I would be pretty good at it.

yours truly,

chessie

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kitten war heroes: nosegay van lips Mrs. Estella Gibbs
New York, NY

Mrs. Myrtle Beech
Miami, Fla.

November 11, 1939

Dear Myrtle,

Enjoying Worlds Fair!

New York sure has changed since we were girls!

Here is something we will see in the future: STREAMLINED PENCIL SHARPENERS.

Yours Truly,

Estella

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kitten war heroes: the lorenzo brothers november 33

dear santa claus:

here is something for you to know: i am a winsome child!

therefore it will be okay for me to have these nise things:

leg hoses
some cheese
mortises and tenons for everyone
a nice big fluffy white thing

yours truly,

snooples

p.s. maybe a anvil cozy too if that is okay

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katerina burninghams, nobel prize in economics Cedric Fungicide
Poetry Editor
New England Review and Breadloaf Quarterly

November 15, 2002

My Dear Mr. Fungicide:

Please consider the enclosed poem for your spring issue:

This house
Is a rubber matchbook
Full of clowns.

Yours,

Katerina Burninghams, Esq.

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kitten war heroes: fluffy, 1912 December 16, 2002

Dear Tivoli Trollery,

Please send 1 special Troll Doll hair comb ASAP. It is very important.

Yours Truly,

Chickenloaf

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ernest cornfield: first beagle u.s. supreme court justice november 2, 2002

dear mr. rukheizer,

i really like that tape worm joke! ha ha! it is so funny!

also that is a nise photo of you on the 1 dollar bill.

a.f.a.
r.m.a.
x.x.o.o.x.x.

your friend forever!

chessie

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Edsel Trout
110 Baskerville Lane
Bassettville, PA 11116

November 21, 2002

Attn. Borg University Alumni Society:

No, I do not wish to make a monetary contribution at this time. Nor through all eternity. Please make a note of this in your records.

I am a poultry farmer. I earn my bread by the sweat of my brow. You are a golgothian learning institution fond of erecting Gatticaesque structures where once wood ducks nested.

Heretofore, please cease all mailings of poverty pleas folded around Borg University bumper stickers emblazoned with the Borg Badger mascot gripping his hockey stick.

I suggest that as our voluptuous Alma Mater continues to weedle great wads of money from her well-heeled, unweaned offspring, that you consider allocating funds to pay for one hockey puck apiece, (price: about $4.50), for the Fightin' Borg Badgers. Thus, they will no longer be forced to scrabble about in an icebound tableau vivante of the politics of scarcity. Perhaps they might miraculously return to their studies. Even graduate.

Far nobler yet, establish wetlands where wood ducks once again may raise their young.

Never to be yours, I assure you,

Edsel Trout

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From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Date: November 12, 2002 Time: 8:38 p.m.
Enclosure: catcrap.exe
Subject: ATTN GRACIE'S WORLD OWNER!

FORWARD THE ENCLOSED FUNNY PICTURES TO 12 FRIENDS! COLLECT A MILLION DOLLARS!

>DELETE<

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From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Date: November 12, 2002 Time: 4:00 a.m.
Enclosure: hardrivewipeout.exe
Subject: DOWNLOAD AND INSTALL IMMEDIATELY!

DOWNLOAD AND INSTALL THIS HARD DRIVE PROTECTION IMMEDIATELY! SIMULTANEOUSLY SAVE GERBILS FROM A LIFE OF SIN!

>DELETE<

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From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Date: November 14, 2002 Time: 8:38 p.m.
Enclosure: clumpinglitter.exe
Subject: LOOKING FOR YOU!

DEAR GRACIE'S WORLD OWNER!

INCREASE YOUR PENIS SIZE IN JUST SIX DAYS!

>DELETE<

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From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Date: December 14, 2002 Time: 8:38 p.m.
Enclosure: hairball.exe
Subject: FILE YOU REQUESTED - OPEN IMMEDIATELY

HA HA HA!

>DELETE<

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ignatious pilcher, inventor of snow pants for cattle November 20, 2002

Dear Mr. Nelson:

I heard your rendition of "Georgia on My Mind" today on Nini's Victrola, and wept, for it is a treasured anthem from my Native Land.

Please write back soon to a fellow citizen,

Yours in Allegiance,

Benjaman Carhartt

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December 20, 2002

Dear Santa Claus,

Please send the usual.

Also, the latest Bottlerockets CD if you've got it.

Pia Clawsnlegs

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honoring those whose lives have been changed by UNIX December 15, 2002

Dear Nissan Corp.,

I was just sitting here at the parlor window admiring my lovely new 2002 NISSAN FRONTIER out in the driveway, and I thought I'd drop you a line.

How it sparkles in the late afternoon winter sunlight!

It occurred to me today as I was studying its shapely tailgate that the word FRONTIER is Francais! Mais d'accord!

It means Little frilly apron with nothing else on. N'est ce pas?

You clever chiens!

Conduit!

M.T.

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postage paid by datsun corporation November 16, 2002

Dear Valued Customer:

While we are pleased that you are so incredibly happy with your new 2002 Nissan Frontier, and we really would like to be your friend if we had the free time, we must ask that you please limit correspondence to official business, such as making your automobile payments. We're kind of busy around here.

Headquarters,
Nissan Corp.

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November 17, 2002

Dear Chickenloaf:

Here is some cake mix for a cake you must make! It is good!

Regards, Porcine

HERMAN FAMILY CAKE!!! PASS IT ALONG TO THE UNFORTUNATE THIS HOLIDAY SEASON!!!

INGREDIENTS FOR HERMAN FAMILY CAKE STARTER CAKE MIX
2 1/4 teaspoons active and frisky dry yeast
2 cups warm water
2 cups all-purpose flour
1/4 cup white sugar

1 cup white sugar, divided into individual crystals
2 cups all-purpose flour
2 cups milk, divided into individual molecules

1. In a large glass or plastic container, dissolve the yeast in warm water. Stir in the flour and sugar, mix until smooth. DO NOT USE A METAL SPOON! IT WILL EXPLODE!!
3. Cover loosely and store in a warm place overnight.
3. The next day, stir and refrigerate.
4. Stir once each day for the next four days. On the fifth day, stir, then divide in half. At this point the cake mix will have become sentient. Give half of the HERMAN SOURDOUGH STARTER MIX away to the unfortunate (with instructions).
5. Feed HERMAN SOURDOUGH STARTER MIX with 1/2 cup white sugar, 1 cup flour, and 1 cup milk. You should be emotionally bonded at this point. Stir until smooth. Cover and place in refrigerator. Stir once each day for next four days. Read to it at bedtime.
6. On the tenth day feed HERMAN SOURDOUGH STARTER MIX again with 1/2 cup white sugar, 1 cup flour, and 1 cup milk. Return to refrigerator and stir once each day for the next four days.
7. On the fifteenth day it is ready to be used for baking! Reserve one cup of HERMAN SOURDOUGH STARTER MIX in the refrigerator and continue to follow the stir and feed cycle (Stir once a day for four days, stir and feed on the fifth day, ready for use on the tenth day.)

WHAT TO DO IF YOU GET THE STARTER CAKE MIX (either A or B)

A. USE THE STARTER MIX TO MAKE MORE CAKE PLUS MORE STARTER MIX PLUS MORE CAKE PLUS MORE STARTER MIX

2 cups HERMAN SOURDOUGH STARTER MIX
2/3 cup vegetable oil
2 eggs
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 1/2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
2 teaspoons baking powder
1 cup white sugar
1 cup chopped pecans
1 cup raisins
1 cup packed brown sugar
3 tablespoons all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/4 cup margarine, softened
1/2 cup margarine NOT softened
1/4 cup milk
1 cup packed brown sugar

1. Bring Herman Starter to room temperature. Introduce it to family members.
2. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Grease and lightly flour one 9x13 inch baking pan.
3. Stir together Herman Starter, oil and beaten eggs.
4. Stir together the flour, cinnamon, baking soda, baking powder, salt and white sugar. Stir in nuts and raisins. Add the flour mixture to the egg mixture and stir well. Pour into the prepared pan and sprinkle with the topping.
5. To Make Topping: Combine the 1 cup brown sugar, 3 tablespoons flour, 1 teaspoon cinnamon. Cut in 1/4 cup softened butter, until the mixture resembles very coarse crumbs.
6. Bake in a preheated 350 degrees F (175 degrees C) for 30 to 40 minutes. While still hot pour glaze over the top and serve.
7. To Make Glaze: In a small saucepan, melt 1/2 cup butter or margarine. Stir in the milk and 1 cup brown sugar. Bring to a boil and let boil for 3 minutes. Immediately pour over hot cake.

B. KILL IT AND THROW IT OUT! NOW!

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November 20, 2002

Dear Whiskums,

Here is some delicious cake mix! You are supposed to keep some and bake it and give the rest to the unfortunate.

Chickenloaf

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November 22, 2002

Dear Flimsy,

Here is some delicious cake mix! It is very special! Soon you will have lots of cake mix! It grows and grows and grows! You will enjoy it!

Chickenloaf

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November 29, 2002

Dear Walter Whitman,

Here is some delicious cake mix. Do not sit on it by accident.

You will like it. It has a lot sugar also fat.

A kid on your bus,

Chickenloaf

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November 25, 2002

Dear Unfortunate!

This is your lucky day! You have found a rubbermaid container full of delicious cake mix on the seat of your car! It is a really good cake mix! You will never be without cake again!

A caring neighbor,

Chickenloaf

P.S. I have never seen a El Camino before it is pretty nice!

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NOTE TAPED TO REFRIGERATOR ON DECEMBER 26

Dad -- You might want to know there is shredded cardboard everywheres and turkey pups and chicken pups and gosling pups running around all over the back yard. -- Gracie

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November 29, 2002

Dear Santa Claus

Did you get my letter or not. I sent it registered and even enclosed an SASE. Where the hell is it?

Pia Clawsnlegs

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kitten war heroes: jelly bean piles November 29, 2002

Dear Santa Claus,

I have been very very good! I have provided delicious cake mix to the unfortunate! Even to unfortunate strangers!

In conclusion, for Christmas I wish for Peace on Earth.

Love,

Chickenloaf

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December 19, 2002

Dear Santa Claus,

I feel that I should be proactive and explain about those Troll Dolls. It actually was not my idea entirely. Pia was the one that wanted to test the tensil strength of Troll Dolls. Ben made the little boats. We had no idea baking soda would actually do that.

So Ben, he makes the little boats, see. Then the Troll Dolls, they go on a VIKING ADVENTURE.

Those Troll Dolls, they seemed delighted to be off on a holiday. Or maybe they were heavily medicated. Who can tell with Troll Dolls. They were grinning and holding their arms out like lesser primates in a Broadway musical. I remember the Happy Viking Troll Doll's kilt was riffling nicely in the breeze.

Then Pia says OKAY PARTY'S OVER TROLL DOLLS.

However, the Happy Tenured Faculty Troll Doll was the only fatality, which is pretty good! Also one of the Happy System Administrator Troll Dolls is still dangling from the overhead wires, but he was redundant so big deal.

Anyways, after those Troll Dolls were bathed and got their hair combed you could hardly tell that they had been to hell and back. See, Chickenloaf has this special Troll Doll Hair Comb.

Yours,

Gracie

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December 25 , 2002

Attn. Santa Claus:

What the hell am I supposed to do with a weed whacker.

Please tell me this was a mixup.

Pia

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december 25 , 2002

dear santa claus

i am so joyous as i am wearing new woolen leg hoses which have reinforced rubber knees!

but no body knows this! on account of i am wearing new snow pants! plus a new nightgown! plus a new tartan kilt! plus a new woolen snow coat! plus a new sock hat and mittens!

also iron john is majestic in his red quilted cozy with the gold tassles.

merry chrismas here is a nise new pencil for you to share with your elfs!

love,

snooples

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kitten war heroes: pepper. I regret that I have only nine lives to give... december 25 , 2002

dear santa claus,

i like the fluffy white. she is a good.

i think she might be a albino yak. but that is ok.

here is a nise present for you. it is the spark plug out of moms chain saw.

a.f.a.
r.m.a.
x.x.o.o.x.x!

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december 30, 2002

Dear Fluffikins,

Here is some cake mix. Eat it.

Chickenloaf

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next gracie's world...