March 1, 2002
Muffin,
Maybe you can explain why a young cat might think she is a raccoon. Snooples drops her cat cookies into the water bowl and then fishes them out and then she eats them right off her paw.
She will not eat her cat cookies unless they are soaked.
This started two days ago.
Regards,
Gracie
March 3, 2002
Dear Muffin,
Do you have a little sister if not would you like one. I am willing to send Snooples.
Snooples is okay but she sticks her paw in the toilet and then she sticks it in my ear when I am trying to study FORTRAN.
It makes me nuts.
GDL
March 5, 2002
Dear Muffin,
Also you can have Chessie if you want to. She is a pain.
She is small. She looks like one of those little bitty flashlights. The type you carry in your backpack with legs.
But she has a horrible attitude.
For example three days ago Chessie was biting Ben's ear off right at the roots and Dad had to pry Chessie's jaws off Ben's ear and Ben fell down weeping onto the floor.
Five minutes later Chessie doesn't remember a thing about it.
Yours,
Gracie
March 6, 2002
Dear Muffin,
What are you doing right this minute. I am setting in the rocker with a blanket over top of me except for my toes.
Chessie is at that age.
You say to Chessie "This here is a wolly bear."
"No it's not."
"Yup, Chessie. It is a woolly bear."
"No WAY!
Then she marches off draggling her long hind legs like she does and wagging her behind.
Gracie
P.S. Plus Chessie is always cooking hot dogs. That is bad.
March 7, 2002
Dear Muffin,
I forgot to say that Chessie is a Turkish Van. She has this stripe thing right down the middle of her head. She has these weirdo ears.
Beats me why anybody would name a cat breed after an automobile. It is not even an intaresting automobile such as a '66 Mustang.
Next there'll be cat breeds called Hugos.
Regards,
Gracie
March 8, 2002
Muffin,
Snooples however is not a Turkish Van. She is a big fat a mackerel.
Go figure that one out.
GDL
March 9, 2002
Hello Muffin,
We have bread here we call muffins did you know that.
Best,
Gracie
March 10, 2002
Hello Muffin,
Weakie says to tell you it is spring here around these parts.
There I can cross that one off my to do list.
Later,
Gracie
March 11, 2002
Dear Muffin,
I need your advice as I do not know what to do with Snooples or with Chessie. They make too much noise.
This morning I got woken up at 4:30 a.m. in the morning and those two were setting in the living room playing some game with steak knifes sticking in the floor and pieces of the telephone configured all around on the floor and they were setting cross legged and they were yelling
ONE POTATO TWO POTATO THREE POTATO FOUR
ONE POTATO TWO POTATO THREE POTATO FOUR
Over and over again!
I had to put them back to bed. I am the only one around here who assumes any responsibility in these matters.
Regards,
Gracie
March 12, 2002
Dear Muffin,
Another big problem is Snooples is getting fat. Snooples looks like a Hubberd Squash rolling around the house. Snooples also blatts like a bullfrog. It is embarrassing.
Chessie on the other hand stopped growing at 6 months. She resembles a spotted worm thing.
Also her hind legs are too long. She points downhill.
There is something wrong with these kittens. I am the only one who notices this.
Your Friend,
GDL
March 14, 2002
Dear Muffin,
Please send help.
Chessie is marching around the house in her new purple flannel skirt with the frindges around the bottom and her new purple majorette boots and banging on a Jiffy Pop Popcorn Pan. She is yelling
PTARMIGAN PTARMIGAN PTARMIGAN BUP!
PTARMIGAN PTARMIGAN PTARMIGAN BUP!
I may wax dangerous.
Gracie
March 11, 2002
Dearest Gracie,
I am so thrilled to receive your letter upon grocery bag paper. It is such a lovely paper! I imagine it must be very expensive. Here we have only dried Aguti skins with which to write upon.
Your darling little sisters sound so precious! Sometime I will tell you all about my 14 little sisters and brothers, all of which are exceedingly wooly and have large feet! As you enjoy little children you will appreciate them very much!
I have been reading an illustrated bestiary of your country. Please tell me more of the creature known as the o'possum. It is a marvel!
Also, what precisely is a toilet? I infer from your letter that it is some manner of cooking pot?
Yours Always,
Muffin
March 16, 2002
Dear Muffin,
A toilet is a pot but not for cooking. You poop in it.
Please write fast and let me know when I can send Snooples and Chessie. I will send them FedEx so they will stay fresh.
Your Best Friend,
Gracie
March 23, 2002
Dearest Gracie,
Thank you for explaining the toilet pot! I have read of such toilet pots and understand that they are richly decorated and that they have darling little lion feet which clasp glass globes. I am unclear as to the purpose of the glass globes; perhaps you can explain.
How far must you walk to this toilet pot? Must you walk through the forest? Is it a fearsome thing at night with wanton beasts are roaming about, or when there is a chill wind?
Love,
Muffin
March 27, 2002
Dear Muffin,
No you do not walk anywheres to set on a toilet. It just sets there in the house. In a little room by itself, mostly.
Only times you see a toilet setting outside is when it is rusted and cracked up the side. Then it is usually full of geraniums with Garden Gnomes standing around it.
Garden Gnomes scared the hell out of me once.
Regards,
Gracie
March 29, 2002
Dear Gracie,
Now I believe that you are teasing poor confused Muffin!
Surely you do not use a toilet pot within your own house! This would be most unsanitary!
Not even our cattle do such things!
Your Best Friend Always, Who is Far Away,
Muffin
March 31, 2002
Dear Muffin,
Yup we poop right in the house. In the toilet or litterboxes whatever is handy. Sometimes Dad's suitcase or the floor.
What the heck do you do there when you have to poop.
Gracie
