Febuary 1, 2002

Dear Muffin,

I am sending you something. I am sending you a stick of wood. Wood around here comes from a tree.

It is a pretty nice stick of wood I hope you can use it for something.

Best,

Gracie

Febuary 2, 2002

Dear Muffin,

What exactly do you think of Christmas. I can't wait until Christmas!! I personally wish that Christmas came 38 times a year on account of all the presents plus the snacks.

I am already making plans. I am going to knittle Dad a snowmobile cozy!

Anyways, what do you think of Christmas.

Love,

Gracie

P.S. Don't tell anybody about the snowmobile cozy, okay. It's supposed to be a surprise.

February 4, 2002

I am tremendously pleased with the perfect stick of wood you have so generously sent all the way from the United States! I will keep it forever and perhaps use it as a broomstick since ours is nearly worn to nothing.

And now I will tell you something: the gardens of Lalala are in full bloom!

Is it true that in the United States there are great swards of grass with shiny spheres in the middle that reflect all around? This seems too wonderful to be true.

Love,

Muffin

P.S. I shall keep your secret of Blackie until the moon splashes into the sea.

Febuary 5, 2002

Dear Muffin,

Thanks for not letting anybody know about Blackie. Mom and Dad would have two cows apiece if they figured out that there is a 8-foot black rat snake in our underpants drawer.

Here is a pitcher of Blackie about a year ago when he was still a snake pup.

Later,

G.D.L.

Febuary 6, 2002

Dear Muffin,

Weakie says we're supposed to ask our pen pals about what kind of constellations are up in the sky over there.

What the hell isn't it the same sky we look at? I guess not.

Anyways, I guess here in Pennsylvania this time of year there is the Big Litter Scoop, the Southern Claw, plus the Fleas.

Your turn.

GDL

Febuary 7, 2002

Dear Muffin,

Weakie never lets up. Now she is hammering us to ask our pen pals all about the weather system over there.

Here it is snowing bats and shingles if you want to know.

Later,

Gracie

Dear Muffin:

It appears that one of the pen pals is dead. It was a chicken. It was a parachuting accident.

Best,

Gracie

February 11, 2002

Dearest Gracie,

I should very much like to meet your Blackie! He is a most handsome Ophidian!

We have many snakes some of which are 30 metres in length. They constrict the Army jeeps that stray from the roads.

But we have none so winsome as your Blackie!

Hugs,

Muffin

Febuary 12, 2002

Dear Muffin,

I have to take another dumb foreign language this semester so maybe you could tell me what dumb foreign language is the language of your native land. Maybe I could study that language.

Thanks in advance,

Gracie

February 14, 2002

Dearest Gracie,

Today whilst I was at market trading a bladder of fresh goat's milk for a drinking cup, I heard on the community radio that you have something in the United States known as The Internet. Is this a kind of harness for horses?

Love,

Muffin

P.S. It would be so joyful to you to learn my native tongue! It is a rich and colorful mixture of Francais, Wolfo, and Botanical Latin but it changes very much depending on what country is invading. I will send you books!

Until next time, Salix babylonica!

Muffin

Febuary 15, 2002

Dear Muffin,

Well, The bad news is Francais/Wolfo/Botanical Latin aren't being offered this semester.

I guess I will take FORTRAN.

Thanks anyways,

Gracie

Febuary 16, 2002

Muffin,

You might be interested in this I don't know.

In honor of Valentines Day we are having Relationship Workshops at school. On account of we fight alot and pinch Ben when he is meditating. Plus we beat up the smaller animals.

This big fluffy white lady cat, she runs these workshops. It is quite a racket. She is famous and has written many Self Help Books. Thats where you help yourself to the books right off the shelf I guess. She wrote this book called TEN STEPS TO A FLUFFIER YOU. You may have heard of it. It is a pretty famous book.

G.D.L.

Febuary 17, 2002

Muffin,

Today we had our first Relationship Workshop. This big white fluffy cat, she wears this pink rinestone collar which kind of burns your eyeballs to look at it.

Also her claws are bright pink and a little too long. It's like she never digs furniture or floorboards or anything.

Also her fur doesn't exactly look real.

Weird.

Gracie

Febuary 18, 2002

Attn. Muffin:

Today's Relationship Workshop lecture, it was called LET'S TALK ABOUT CLAWS. See, every time you go over to claw a chair or something, or you beat up some smaller animal such as a chinchilla, that is ANGER.

Instead of beating up the chinchilla you are supposed to pinch your eyes shut and concentrate and blow that anger right out your ears!

We all had to practice pinching our eyes shut and blowing anger out our ears.

Then we got to go outside and play. We played hacky sack with this hampster. He makes a pretty good hacky sack ball.

Yours,

Gracie

February 15, 2002

Good Morning To My Darlingest of Gracies! I am wishing you a happy first day of the Feast of Tatata!

At dawn while I was trimming the spent blossoms from the camellias around our door, a tiny green moth with velvety black legs landed upon my scissors and closed its wings as though in prayer.

I understood this as a sign that shortly I would receive a letter from you!

Soon arrived the clopping of the letter-carrying donkey. Your purple envelope was glimpsing from the top of the saddlebag!

I have read your letter thrice: first to inhale the warm air of its sunlit afternoons, second to harvest the little scallions of its details, and third to sow my own thoughts amongst its fertile rows!

I am now interested in learning the way to blow anger out of my ears!

Love always,

Muffin

P.S. Is a hacky sack a sort of vomit bag?

Febuary 19, 2002

We had another one of those workshops again today. This one was about FINDING YOUR POWER CENTER IN AN OVERFURNISHED HOME.

Maybe you have not noticed this, but when somebody who leads a workshop doesn't actually know much about the subject, they talk for about six minutes and then they shove you together into groups with people you hate and make you Role Play. I notice that.

In our Role Playing group we ate TicTacs and we made farting noises with our armpits.

Yours,

Gracie

Febuary 20, 2002

I forgot to mention that Big White Fluffy Cat's name. It is Percale.

Love,

Gracie

Febuary 21, 2002

Muffin,

I am sending you these two autographed books that I got from those workshops which are now finally over. One is called I SHED, YOU SHED. The other is called THE DANCE OF HAIRBALLS.

I can't make head nor tails of them. Maybe you can use them for livestock feed or something.

Gracie

February 20, 2002

Dearest Gracie,

Thank you so much for the beautiful and glossy books! They will be most valuable I am certain. I will take them directly to the temple and share them with our Holy Men.

And now I must tell you that is my favorite day of the year! It is the day that we walk to the village to get our shoes repaired!

We are having a bountiful year with the crops and so we are allowed to buy one sugarlump each when we get to the village. It is a joyous thing to eat a sugarlump!

In the United States you may get your shoes repaired many times during the year, no? Your shoes must last a lifetime.

Love & Hugs,

Muffin

P.S. I will save for you 1/2 of my sugarlump!

February 27, 2002

Greetings Once Again Most Darling Gracie!

I forgot to say in my previous letter that I am most most amazed and impressed that in the United States you snack upon tic tacs!

It has never occurred to me to eat a tic tac. Here we must kill them when we find them in the huts, as they bite and stink.

Your Most Faithful Friend,

Muffin

Febuary 28, 2002

Dear Muffin,

Pia wants to know what kind of tattoos you can get over there.

Pia wants to get another tattoo. Some kind of parrot or something, maybe. Which is nuts because she is running out of space.

Best,

Gracie