June 1: The First Draft
LIFE WITH HUMANS
THE BARE AND NAKED FACTS
6th Grade Thesis
By Gracie De LaRue
[draft #1]
Life with humans is something I know about. It is ok but it is also tragic.
All you get to eat are little cardboard balls, one.
A very famous human is George Washington. He is the father of the whole country so I guess he is extremely busy. Also he has a spotty horse. Everybody thinks George Washington is dead but he is actually still alive and has his own television program known as Wall Street. I guess he is doing pretty good for an old guy.
A human can be a terribly unpredictable thing.
For example one day you get a nice chicken neck with some gravy. Or they give you this ball which is rumpled aluminum. The next day they become all psychotic and gang up on you and chase you all over the house and clip off all your toe nails. Or swab your ears needlessly. That is what happens.
One time they gave us cats this really good marterial to eat. It tasted like liver plus kidneys with a mild morel sauce. We got to lick it right off a soup spoon!
It turned out to be a LAXATIVE.
However that is just the skeleton of the ice berg. There are alot rules and you practically go nuts.
No sleeping in the roasting pans.
No noisome activity.
No chickmumps in the house.
No licking tooth brushes.
No farting whatsoever.
It is a well known fact that all humans are fabulously wealthy. They work approximately 89 hours a day and then they drag theirselves home with big wads of money and sometimes a cat toy. This is very nice but remember they also hire veterinarians with thermometers.
In conclusion, a human is alright but also somewhat problematic. At least they beat dogs.
June 5: Rough Draft Workshop #1
SELF EVALUATION: I think this is pretty good but maybe it sucks, it's hard to tell when you wrote it your own self. GDL
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Plural?
Life with Humans
the Bare and Naked Facts
I personally think you could use a more flowery title. -Porcine
6th Grade Thesis
All you get to eat are little cardboard balls, one. A very famous human is George Washington. who is this guy??? mention somebody better known. He is the father of the whole country i doubt it so I guess he is extremely busy. Also he has a spotty horse. Everybody thinks George Washington is dead but he is actually still alive and has his own television misspelled program known as Wall Street. What kind of program is Wall Street? I guess he is doing pretty good for an old guy. A human can be a terribly unpredictable thing. They are moody and sometimes drive fast. this just doesn't ring true. do you actually know any humans? - Melissa For example one day you get a nice chicken neck with some gravy. Or they give you this ball which is rumpled The word is CRUMBLED!!! aluminum misspelled. The next day they become all psychotic misspelled and gang up on you and chase you all over the house and clip off all your toe nails. Or swab your ears needlessly misspelled. That is what happens. One time they gave us cats this really good marterial to eat (recipe?). It tasted like liver plus kidneys with a mild morel is morality really the issue here? sauce. We got to lick it right off a soup spoon! It turned out to be a LAXATIVE. What happened then? However that is just the skeleton of the ice berg. MISSED OPPORTUNITY HERE!!! There are alot rules and you practically go nuts. why??? No sleeping in the roasting misspelled pans. It is a well known fact that all humans are fabulously wealthy. They work approximately 89 hours a day and then they drag theirselves home with big wads of money and sometimes a cat toy. This is very nice but remember they also hire veterinarians with thermometers. Celsius or Farenheit? In conclusion, a human is alright but also somewhat problematic misspelled. At least they beat dogs. yay! - chessie i like it. - chessie Gracie, Ms. Wysiwyg |
I think this section would be better as a poem. - Porcine history of thermometers here? Hey, how about a quote from Shakespeare? - Pia
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June 10: The Second Draft
Our Nine Lifes with Humans
the Bare and Naked Facts
Midst the Thorny Rose Sticks
6th Grade Thesis
By Gracie De LaRue
[draft #2]
What a piece of work is man.
- William Shakespeare
*****
A day in the life of some HOMO SAPIEN or other is concept of which I know tremendously about. Compared and contrasted with a Baboon, for example, it is...uh...
it is different.
Also tragic.
All you get to eat are little spheroids composed of wood byproducts, one. Also, baboons have bright red hind ends. Also there is a lot of drinking, drugs, fighting, etc.
A very famous human is Walter Whitman. Everybody knows Walter Whitman around here. You mention the name Walter Whitman and everybody says "oh yeah I know Walter Whitman!" He is a very famous guy.
Walter Whitman is okay but also moody isomerical. Not many people know this but raccoons have no saliva.
Which is not to say that George Washington's horse is not interesting. That horse, his name was Nelson at times and Blueskin at times. He was a pretty good horse I guess. For instance, George Washington never got shot off the top of Nelson or Blueskin or whoever, so that is something right there. I speculate even if George Washington had got shot right off Nelson or Blueskin or whatever his name was, that horse would have just stood there faithful and true and he would not go galloping off hysterically like some stupid cow.
Which is why cows are never depicted in the paintings of famous battles.
Incidentally, horses are Natures Largest Rodents.
Anyways, back to humans. A human can be a terribly unpredictable thing. They are idolatrous, brobdignagian, and maybe they drive fast I don't know.
For example one day you get a nice chicken neck with some gravy. Or they give you this ball which is tinfoil crumbled all to heck and back again. The next day they become all psi psyk nuts and gang up on you and chase you all over the house and clip off all your toe nails. Or swab your ears needles.
Anyway that is what happens, whatever.
One time they gave us cats this really good marterial to eat.
REALLY GOOD MATERIAL TO EAT
- 1 cup chicken gravy
- 1/2 cup all-purpose flour
- 3/4 cup chopped lamb livers
- 3/4 cup chopped kidneys
- 1 cup chopped morels
- 1/4 cup chopped ExLax
- 1 dash peptonized iron
- 1 dash light soy sauce
- cardamom to tasteServes 46
It was highly immoral. We got to lick it right off a soup serving utensil of the modern world!
It turned out to be a LAXATIVE. We pooped ourselves silly. But no more hairballs for 1 week, so there you have it.
THE HISTORY OF LAXATIVES
The history if LAXATIVES is really quite interesting, actually. Laxatives go way back in time. By most estimates, the first laxative was probably a rotten toad of some sort. We know this from studying prehistoric skulls with holes drilled in them.
That rotten toad had very salutory effects. After that, everybody and their hampster ate a rotten toad when they were feeling a little under the weather. No more hairballs!
Now it is modern times, and hairballs are here to stay. On account of modern laxatives are lame. Plus you can't find a good rotten toad.
However that is just the gonoblastidium of the iceberg. There are a lot rules and you practically go nuts. On account of the rules.
No sleeping in the resting pans.
No noisome activity, even with cans.
No chickmumps in the house.
No licking the tooth brushes, no puking a mouse.
No farting whatsoever which is about the most unjust machiavellian boneheaded thing what the hell rhymes with cans
oh I know, crabs.
It is a well known fact that all humans are fabulously wealthy. They work approximately 89 hours a day and then they drag theirselves home with big wads of money and sometimes a cat toy. Nini recommends Bungee Stocks, but I say buy gold.Oh I almost forgot Wall Street is a show about Tapeworms.
Which brings us to...
THE HISTORY OF TELEVISION
The history of television is an interesting thing. The first television was probably a rock roughly shaped like a television. Chances are it was not in color. Then came wax cylinders but they were lame. Then along came the vacuum tube. The vacuum tube was okay but somewhat inconvenient, on account of everytime you got rid of a old TV you had to shoot a hole in the pitcher tube with a .22 rifle or else it might explode sitting out in the woods all by itself one day. No kidding!
Color broadcasting made its debut in the United States on Decenber 17, 1953, when the FCC approved a modified version of an RCA system. After that television got pretty neat. There were good shows like Captain Kangaroo.
Green Acres, the pinnacle of television, showed up in the early 1960s. The rest is History.
Anyways, it is very nice that humans make money hand over fist but remember they also hire veterinarians with thermometers which have Celsius on one side and Farenheit on the other; how these thermometers are able to measure both temperatures at the same time beats me.
And now...
THE HISTORY OF THERMOMETERS
The first thermometer was invented by this guy called Farenheit who used it to measure a roast turkey I'm guessing. It was not until 1932 that some wise guy got the bright idea that you could stick a thermometer up a cat's nether regions. Life has not been the same since.
FACT: There are more feline rectal thermometers in the world than jars of dill pickles.
FACT: Every 3.8 seconds some cat gets their temperature taken needlessly.
FACT: Taking the temperature of a cat has no proven medical value whatsoever.
In conclusion, a human is alright but also somewhat limitaneous. At least they flagellate dogs.
June 16: Rough Draft Workshop #2
SELF EVALUATION: I think this is probably a vast improvement on account of apparently I didn't know what the hell I was doing on the first draft. Anyways I hope everybody is satisfied.
Make the title reflect the overall tragedy of your message. - Melissa
Read Camus
Read Ayn Rand
All these historical departures just don't do a thing for me. - Porcine
Read T.S. Eliot, in particular, The Waste Land
A drawing would help here.
Still nothing about Architects!!! |
Our Nine Lifes with Humans [draft #2] i don't like this What a piece of work is man. ***** A day in the life of some HOMO SAPIEN Australopithicus or other is concept of which I know tremendously about. Compared and contrasted with a Baboon, for example, it is...uh... it is different. Also tragic. All you get to eat are little spheroids composed of wood byproducts, one. Also, baboons misspelled have bright red hind ends. Also there is a lot of drinking, drugs, fighting, etc. (Explain why babboons resort to this sort of behavior. - Tom) A very famous human is Walter Whitman. Everybody knows Walter Whitman around here. You mention the name Walter Whitman and everybody says "oh yeah I know Walter Whitman!" He is a very famous guy. yeah but what's he famous for? pia Walter Whitman is okay but also Which is not to say that George Washington's horse is not interesting. That horse, his name was Nelson at times and Blueskin at times. He was a pretty good horse I guess. For instance, George Washington never got shot off the top of whatshisname, so that is something right there. I speculate even if George Washington had got shot right off Nelson or Blueskin or whatever his name was, that horse would have just stood there faithful and true and he would not go galloping off hysterically like some stupid cow. Which is why cows are never depicted in the paintings of famous battles. Incidentally, horses are Natures Largest Rodents. Anyways, back to humans. A human can be a terribly unpredictable thing. They are idolatrous, This word is too big brobdignagian, and maybe they drive fast I don't know. For example one day you get a nice chicken neck one word with some gravy. Or they give you this ball which is tinfoil The correct word is ALUMINUM crumbled all to heck and back again. The next day they become all Anyway that is what happens, whatever. One time they gave us cats this really good marterial to eat.
It was highly immoral. Why? Explain. We got to lick it right off a soup purveying utensil of the modern world! It turned out to be a LAXATIVE. Subsequently we pooped ourselves silly. But no more hairballs for 1 week, so there you have it. THE HISTORY OF LAXATIVES The history if LAXATIVES is really quite interesting, actually. Laxatives go way back in time. By most estimates, the first laxative was probably a rotten misspelled toad of some sort. We know this from studying prehistoric skulls with holes drilled in them. That rotten toad had very salutory effects. After that, everybody and their hampster ate a rotten toad when they were feeling a little under the weather. No more hairballs! Now it is modern times, and hairballs are here to stay. On account of modern laxatives are lame. Plus you can't find a good rotten toad. I saw one on the road this morning. - Bucky However that is just the gonoblastidium of the iceberg. THREE WORDS!!! There are a lot ONE WORD!!! rules and you practically go nuts. On account of the rules.
It is a well known fact that all humans are fabulously wealthy. They work approximately 89 hours a day this isn't possible; there are only 84 hours in a day and then they drag theirselves home with big wads of money and sometimes a cat toy Example?. Nini recommends Bungee Stocks, but I say buy gold. Oh I almost forgot Wall Street is a show about Tapeworms. hyphenated Which brings us to... THE HISTORY OF TELEVISION The history of television is an interesting thing. The first television was probably a rock I can't picture this - Melissa roughly shaped like a television. Chances are it was not in color. What about granite? Granite is in color. - Cedric Then came wax cylinders but they were lame. Then along came the vacuum misspelled tube. misspelled The vacuum tube was okay but somewhat inconvenient, on account of everytime you got rid of a old TV you had to shoot a hole in the pitcher tube with a .22 rifle or else it might explode sitting out in the woods all by itself one day. No kidding! Color broadcasting made its debut in the United States on December 17, 1953, when the FCC approved a modified version of an RCA system. This just doesn't ring true. After that television got pretty neat. There were good shows like Captain Kangaroo. misspelled Green Acres, the pinnacle of television, showed up in the early 1960s. The rest is History. Amen Anyways, it is very nice that humans make money hand over fist but remember they also hire veterinarians with thermometers which have Celsius on one side and Farenheit on the other; how these thermometers are able to measure both temperatures at the same time beats me. And now... THE HISTORY OF THERMOMETERS The first thermometer was invented by this guy called Farenheit You mean Ferengetti who used it to measure a roast turkey I'm guessing. It was not until 1932 that some wise guy got the bright idea that you could stick a thermometer up a cat's nether regions capitalize. Life has not been the same since.
In conclusion, a human is alright but also somewhat limitaneous. At least they supercede/flagellate dogs. i like it. - chessie
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Not so sure about this title; it's kinda dumb. - Fluffikins
Some drawings would be nice. - Porcine
Is Walter Whitman really known outside our immediate sphere? I doubt it.
What about the fighting Irish Cows? I think I heard about some fighting Irish cows.
Talk about the history of tin?
More big words needed.
History of crabs here?
Now this is getting interesting! - Bucky
History of preserving fresh produce? |
June 22: The Third Draft - An Excerpt
| Vague! | . . . In conclusion, humans are intrateluric, juneaceous, kinematic, hippopotomonstrosesquipedalian, and nudum pacteum. They are also podsnaps. At least they oppositifoliate, trypcosmize, osseocarnisanguineoviscericartilagninonervomedullarize, and colonoscopate dogs. SPECIAL OFFER! i like it. - chessie
Ah, Gracie, Next, practice going inside a paper bag. Take an inkpen. Write your way out. Do this several times. Once you are able to write your way effortlessly out of a paper bag, you can call yourself an author with confidence. Ms. Wysiwyg
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i don't like this.
History of colonoscopies? |
June 23, 2002
Muffin,
Help emergency require literary advice see enclosed drafts am going bat nuts.
Can't write way out of paper bag or otherwise.
Regards,
Gracie
June 25, 2002
Dear Gracie,
Ah so this is why no letters of recent. I surmized perhaps you were in the midst of harvesting!
Everyone is so generous with their strong opinions in your country. Your essay is the supper table around which a large family quarrels!
Guidance from the wise sharpens the plow. Guidance from the fool sends the plow in circles. Accept only that which speaks with the words of your own discovery. Be true to the voice that is Gracie.
For there is only one Gracie of the Avenue.
All My Very Best,
Muffin
P.S. Beware of the drunken donkey with wheels on his feet. There are many of those!
P.P.S. Fluffikins and Melissa are twits.
June 30: Fourth and Final Draft
NO TOAD IN THE HOUSE
6th Grade Thesis
By Gracie De LaRue
I come home from school this one day, and I can't find Bufo Woodhouse anywheres. His little twig nest in the leotards drawer is empty. His diary and his canteen are gone.
I go ask Mom:
"Seen any toads?"
"Uh uh."
Mom is setting at the dining room table swinging her legs like a small kid. Mom is laminating pitchers of Snooples and Chessie. There is one of Snooples smiling beatific. Snooples eyes are pinched shut. Chessie pedaling on her tricycle 1 year ago with her eyes pinched shut. Snooples and Chessie in the snow, and bundled up in their new winter suits and sock hats with large pink pom poms and they ae holding up their new sleds like hide stretching boards and smiling into the sun with their eyes pinched shut.
Mom is not dressing very nicely these days. Which is to say she is dressing like Dad. Work shirts ripped all to heck and Bibb Overalls with socket wrenches and whatnot sticking out of the pockets.
"No toads whatsoever?" I attempt to keep horror the from my voice but it squeaks anyways.
"No toads whatsoever."
I poke a frying pan under the beds. I drag all the potatos out of the potato bin. I crawl behind the toilet which is Bufo's favorite place to write in his diary on account of it drizzles pleasantly.
But no toad is there.
Now I am peering into the gloam that is Blackie the Black Snake's pen. Blackie is curled around his Teddy Bear. He is sound asleep.
OH GOOD GRACIOUS THERE IS A LARGE LUMP INSIDE BLACKIE.
I HAVE TO REACH MY ARM IN.
False alarm it is only the clock radio.
In the dining room Mom is singing NDIMA NDAPEDZA way too loud. Mom is scissoring apart our school class pitchers which are all in rows like postary stamps.
"Sure you ain't seen a toad nowheres?"
"Gracie. If you are constipated, you must say so unequivocally."
"Nope no problem just thought maybe you seen a medium sized spotted toad gotta go."
Nini and Dad are cooking in the kitchen. They are wearing matching poofy chefs hats and matching poofy chefs pants which look like they are perhaps stuffed with chicken feathers or maybe helium. They are deep frying an elk.
The thing you got to remember about Dad is act nonchalant.
Me: "So! Hey! Anybody seen a toad?"
Dad: "WHAT THE HELLS' GOING ON DID YOU DRAG A TOAD INTO THIS HOUSE."
Me: "Heck, like, no way! Well! Off to the library!"
Nini is folding pastry dough into little origami cranes. "Constipated!" she chirps.
I am scrounging all over the damn house and yard for Bufo Woodhouse the Toad. I take apart the lawn mower and rummage through Dad's lingerie drawer, yank out all the pickle jars in the pantry, toss aside gilded Milanese ceremonial helmets in the attic.
No toad is there.
Well, time to tear up the floorboards.
I am attempting to saunter through the kitchen whistling COPA CABANA in a very casual manner. I am dragging Dad's tool belt loaded with some power tools.
"HALT."
Dad appropriates the cordless drill and the PocketJack jackhammer and the circular saw.
I have to go to my room and read Baltazar Castillione for the next three years.
In the hallway I pass Snooples and Chessie's room. It is decorated all over with pink rabbits and lavender rabbits and lime green rabbits. Snooples and Chessie are singing very loudly. They are singing the theme to Little House on the Prarie. Which has no words.
Dah dah dah dah dah dah dadadah!
Snooples and Chessie are playing on the lime green fuzzy rug. Doll clothes are scattered everywheres.
They are playing with Bufo Woodhouse. He is dressed in a Little House on the Prarie dress with a white apron and a little frilly cap and white bloomers. Snooples is holding up Bufo Woodhouse with her paws under his armpits so he is kind of walking on his hind toad feet. She is pretending that Bufo is running down across a meadow towards a covered wagon.
THE END
