January 3
Lunch room. Ben dreamily crunches oat cakes.

Oh damnit.

Mom has packed Small Turd cottage cheeze once again. I do not care for Small Turds I prefer Large Turds.

Snooples has got Apple Crisp on a bed of strawberry slices with a little curl of lemon peel on top. Snooples has a little sterling silver pitcher of lemon sauce which she is trickling all over the Apple Crisp. Now Snooples is sprinkling cinnnamon all over the Apple Crisp with a little sterling silver cinnnamon shaker.

How come Snooples always gets Apple Crisp I would like to know.

Pia is hanging around the machine that gives out cartons of milk. Pia is showing a bunch of screetch owls how to throw their jack knifes. I did not realize that screetch owls carried jack knifes. I guess it is to debone their prey.

I was correct. Over there is a screetch owl dressing out and deboning a meadow vole.

Oh GAG. Chessie poured a carton of chocolate milk into her alphabet soup and stirred it around and now is slurping it.

 

January 5
Yellow Journalism class.

Nini is lecturing on the use of statistics. For example if you have two or three dead armadilloes you can transform that into a armadilloe crisis.

I had no idea statistics were so powerful I will try to use them more often.

 

January 7
After supper. Ben is humming O JOYFUL MARMOT. Ben is glueing stamps into his big blue stamp book with the lady holding up the ice cream cone on the cover.

The thing is, those 4-H Tilapia pups are getting too large for bathtub. Mom still likes the Tilapia pups. But Dad says OUT THEY GO.

The Tilapia Pups are becoming glum. I mean more glum than usual.

Am at a loss as to what to do.

I know! I will ask a bulldozer guy.

 

January 9
No listing for bulldozer guys in the Phone Book. Which is weird as they are out there blocking traffic all over the place.

 

January 11
Yellow journalism class. We are learning Photoshop!

I put entirely different knees on Mr. Ed! It took five hours to do but it is terribly convincing! Also hilarious!

 

January 13
Am wracking brains. On account of must conduct interview for Yellow Journalism class. Intervieweee must be a colorful character plus at least slightly scurrilous.

Maybe I will interview one of the new kids from Norway. They are large brown rats. They wear gray t-shirts which
say I NY.

Or perhaps I will interview Pia.

 

January 17
Pia says do not worry about the Tilapia Pups I WILL TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING.

Questions so far for Yellow Journalism interview:

QUESTION 1: Do you have a favorite parasite if so what.
QUESTION 2:Have you ever eaten a stale mouse.
QUESTION 3: What makes your fur so nice and fluffy.

 

January 19
Dining room after supper in warm glow of Miss Piggy lamp.

Trying to think of Yellow Journalism interview questions. However cannot concentrate as Nini is playing MY HORSE TOPPER on the Victrola. That record is always very engrossing. Especially when Topper cannot find his way through the terrible dense and strangling smoke of the prairie fire. It always makes me wonder if this is the end of the line for Ole Topper.

Snooples and Chessie are shoving their lunch boxes around on the rug pretending that they are large industrial floor waxers.

Oh thank goodness. Topper found his way out of the prairie fire once again.

QUESTION 4: What do yo think of throwing wolf spiders around the house.

 

January 20
Evening. At dining room table once again. However cannot concentrate on FORTRAN homework as am watching snow falling.

It is snowing like a nuthouse out there! The janitors Volkswagen Beetle looks nice in the snow.

I wonder if the janitor is still looking for that Volkswagen Beetle or if he has given up. Anyways the carburetor is full of baby mice that's what Chickenloaf says.

 

January 21
Just my luck school is closed on account of we got 4 feet of snow last night and I can't find my damned snow boots anywheres.

Everybody else is out doing fun stuff in the snow. Chickenloaf and Ben are making Snow Bats. Weakie is collecting animal droppings for science class. Nini is hanging corns for the birds.

Pia is wearing a new red plaid Woolrich hunting coat and matching red plaid hunting cap with the ear flaps down. Pia is shoveling snow in the driveway trying to find Charlies Miata.

Snooples has dragged out a package of bratwursts and Snooples and Chessie are sticking bratwursts all over the twigs of the persimmon tree.

That is not a good idea.

 

January 22

QUESTION 5: Have you ever accidentally swallowed a hummingbird chick at an outdoor sporting event.

QUESTION 6: Tell us about Boron atoms.

QUESTION 7: Describe the most interesting thing you have ever found crawling around behind the hot water tank.

What is that racket. Oh it is jut Pia digging up the back yard with a earth-moving machine.

 

January 23, 2003

Dear Muffin:

What do you know about Tilapia Pups. Specifically I am wondering why are they so glum. I can understand baby Birds of Prey being glum. If I looked like myopic bread mold I am sure I would be glum. But Tilapia Pups they are cute. The have little spines also little fins. They are just so cute.

Yet they are glum.

Yours,

Gracie

P.S. Please write back soon with information as to whether you are slightly scurrilous. I am trying to locate an individual who is slightly scurrilous.

P.P.S. Thanks for the earrings. It is interesting how one says HASSEL and the other says BLAD. Like they are advertising chainsaws or something.

P.P.P.S I loaned those earrings to Pia until I can make it to the Shopping Mall and have some holes drilled in my ears. Pia is wearing them in her armpits.

 

January 24
Lunch Room again.

Ms. Van Lips the art teacher is playing AN ENGLISH COUNTRY STRIP MINE on the upright piano which is about four thousand years old. That piano looks like it is covered with black alligator hide and sounds like a stack of lumber sliding down eight flights of aluminum stairs.

Chessie is eating peas.

Chessie is eating peas one pea at a time with little tweezers which she ordered from a culinary catalog. They are part of the Peter Rabbit collection. So is Chessies Thermos Bottle and soup bowl.

Ms. Van Lips is playing I'LL BE YOUR HOOTCHIE KOOTCHIE COW.

Chessie holds up one single pea, with her fist wrapped tightly around the handle of those Peter Rabbit Pea Tweezers. Everyone has to say a few words of admiration for the pea. Then with great ceremonious flourish Chessie eats that lone pea.

Chessie has eaten exactly four peas since lunch started 35 minutes ago. 296 peas to go.

Ben is clapping his paws with great enthusiasm. Ben says WHY DON'T WE ALL TAKE TURNS MAKING UP A POEM ABOUT EACH PEA. IN HONOR OF MOTHER EARTH, GIVER OF PEAS.

Ms. Van Lips is playing AIN'T NO UGLY GALOSHES GONNA GET ME DOWN.

I guess will just sit here and sink into old age.

 

January 25
So anyway, this morning I go down to the cellar to get a jar of pickled pigs feet for Dad's breakfast.

Bathtub toys are bobbing all around the room.

Sun lamps are dangling everywheres from the ceiling beams and white sand is all over the concrete floor along with 8 inflatable wading pools featuring various cartoon characters. Pia is lounging in a lawn chair wearing yellow butterfly shaped sunglasses with sparkling gems. She has wrapped her ears up in a purple turpin and is reading Zane Grey. White sun screen is plastered across Pia's nose.

Snooples and Chessie are wearing rubber water wings shaped like loons. They are singing pattling around in one of the pools decorated with scenes from Scooby Doo. The radio is playing ROCK THE CATBOX. Chickenloaf and Ben are dancing the Twist.

Ben's baggy swimming trunks sure are flapping a great deal.

The Tilapia Pups, they are swimming joyously beneath the rubber ducks.

 

January 31
Evening. Nini is baking herring tortlets. Snooples is helping sift the flour I can hear the flour sifter creaking and creaking and creaking and creaking and creaking.

Almost done developing list of Yellow Journalism questions.

QUESTION 23: Is it true you came from humble beginnings as a Coal Miner's Animal Companion.

I think I will interview Amos the Crow. He knows good swear words.