by Chessie Van Lips
Modern Cultures Class
You won't regret it!
April 1
Lunch Room. Kids are yelling and Wasabi Peas, they are rolling everywheres. Ms. Van Lips, she is playing OCTOPUS'ES GARDEN on the calamitous old piano. Vomit Scout scooters, they are sliding on the Wasabi peas and they are wrecking every which ways.
I guess I will fire up the video iPaw and watch this new Turkey Lee Jones video.
Ha ha ha. Turkey Lee Jones, he is pretty good. Turkey Lee Jones, he is standing on only one foot and he is playing his guitar.
Now Turkey Lee Jones, he is playing his guitar with only his hind foots.
Now Turkey Lee Jones, he is playing his guitar on top of a load of hay on a old truck which is rattling down the road.
Now Turkey Lee Jones, he is walking down a railroad track with his guitar slung over his shoulder. Turkey Lee Jones, he is kicking cinders.
I guess that is the end of the song.
Yup. That is the end of the song.
April 3
Lunch Room.
This pickle loaf sandwitch, it is bad. I do not care for pickle loaf.
Snooples, she is unpacking from her lunch box a set of little flowered porcelain containers. Snooples, she is unpacking a porcelain container of fresh strawberries in cream. Snooples, she is unpacking strips of chicken meat which are rolled up in bacon strips and tied with fresh oat sprigs. Snooples, she is making a tiny pot of chamomile tea.
Now Snooples, she is unpacking a little two handled cup with a matching lid. That little cup, it is full of Salmon Mousse.
Ben, he is sitting with impeccable posture. Ben, he is trussed up in his Eagle Scout uniform. Ben, he is watching a Turkey Lee Jones video on the video iPaw.
That Turkey Lee Jones video, it is the one where Turkey Lee Jones, he rides his horse into the ghost town which is overrun with rattle snakes.
Ben, he is twinkly eyed. Ben, he is chuckling in a fulsome manner.
That Turkey Lee Jones, he is quite the jolly fellow!
That is what Ben says.
I shall discreetly slide my paw towards Snooples little cup of Salmon Mousse.
Snooples, she slides the cup of Salmon Mousse away.
Pia has strode by. Pia has abruptly appropriated the video iPaw. Ear nubs and all. Right off Bens ears.
Ben, he does not notice. Ben, he is twinkly eyed and bemused. Ben, he has not touched his rice cakes.
Them small limbs, they stick out every which ways and then they rip your sweater all to hell. That is what happens when you are chopping up a tree.
I know. On account of I practically would not have no sweaters left if it was not for a good small chainsaw.
What do you want to lug a big chainsaw the size of a lawn tractor around just for them small limbs I don't know.
April 5
Bus Stop
It certainly is a lovely day for riding the rails!
Ben, he is wearing his old dented 1-gallon hat which he has retrieved from the attic. Ben, he is wearing his scraggled old cowboy boots which still smell like Horse Camp.
Ben, he is swaggering around in the manner of Turkey Lee Jones.
Well! I don't know about everyone else, but I certainly feel like a lonesome fugitive today!
Chessie, she has her ears flattened and she is scowling. Pia, she is rolling her eyes and is crushing her cigarette butt with her foot. Snooples she is singing LITTLE TWIGLETS FOR THEE MY SPARROW. Snooples, she is picking a bouquet of violets from the road ditch.
Take your Hophornbeam. Now there is one fucking dense tree. One time Pia, she was tossing firewood off the wagon over at Vladimir Polesaw's farm and Pia, she tossed a chunk of Hophornbeam right through the side of a FedEx truck.
Nevermind! A Husqvarna chainsaw is up to the task!
April 7, 2006
Dear Muffin,
Ben, he has started a cowboy band.
In the manner of Turkey Lee Jones. Which is Bens hero I guess.
Anyways, I am sure it will suck.
Yours,
Gracie
A McCulloch chainsaw also is a good chainsaw to have around if you are expecting maybe to get into a bar room fight. You can usually clear out even the toughest of bar rooms if you just rare back and fire up a good ole McCulloch chainsaw. Give it a try sometime. You will see what I am talking about.
Anyways, if you can't clear out a bar room with a McCulloch chainsaw you ought not to be in that bar room. On account of it is most likely Beyond Redemption.
April 14
No. No. That won't do.
Ben, he is hunched over a Big Chief Writing Tablet. Ben, he is alternately writing several hasty lines and then crossing out all the lines.
Ben, he is swabbing his forehead with a red bandanna clutched in one paw.
No, no. Damn everything!
Ben, he has crumpled the sheet of Big Chief Writing Paper into a ball. Ben, he is surrounded by crumpled Big Chief Writing Paper balls.
Ben, now he has his eyes pinched shut. Ben, he is assuming a pained look. Ben, he is strumming Pias old Silvertone guitar.
Gracious knows! I am a worried feline!
Skittlin' down the tracks heading for ole Kentuck -
No, no, that's not it either.
Ben, he has buried his face in his paws.
ANYWAYS BEN. THERE IS A HUGE BOX. IT HAS ARRIVED IN THE MAIL.
Ben, he merely sighs.
YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO SIGN A PAPER. FOR THE HUGE BOX.
It no longer matters. The music has died.
OKAY I WILL SEND IT BACK.
I shall return to the porch and dispatch the mail man.
What is this. Pia is on the porch signing that paper. Pia, she is ripping open the huge box. Pia, she is holding a pink sequined cowboy shirt up by the armpits.
Pia, she is tossing items every which way. There goes a pink sequined 1-gallon hat. There goes some pink sequined cowboy boots. There goes a rhinestone belt with a cows skull buckle.
What the fuck. This a better bass than what I have.
Pia, she is holding up a pink sequined Fender electric bass.
Jonsered chainsaws, each one is tampered with at the factory. Before they even go out the door! That is why professional chainsaw guys, they usually have one or two Jonsereds laying around in the back of their trucks. For the real fine detail work.
Jonsered = Quality!
April 22, 2006
Dear Muffin:
Ben, he ordered a Instant Cowboy Band Kit from Montgomery Ward. All you do is add band members.
Anyways, Ben, he now has a Cowboy Band.
April 25, 2006
Muffin:
Bens stage name: it is Whisker Lickins.
Whisker Lickins and the Neutered Males.
That is Bens band.
Yours Truly,
GDL
April 27, 2006
Muffin:
Guess what Ben, he has stolen all of Pias gigs at the Horse Bar. Also the Farrowing Pen. Also the Manure Pit.
Yours,
Gracie.
April 28
A steel drum! What kind of Cowboy Band has a fucking steel drum!
Pia, she has been drinking Budweiser and yelling into the cell phone and pacing around the porch and punching the porch pillars all afternoon long.
Snooples and Chessie, they are playing quietly on the porch. Snooples and Chessie, they do not appear to notice Pias tirade.
Snooples and Chessie, they are making clay animals.
April 29
Lunch Room. Am spooning up clam chowder.
This clam chowder, it is pretty good. If you pull out all the clams.
Big piles of clams, they are accumulating upon each table.
Snooples, she has borrowed a wooden mixing spoon from the kitchen. Snooples, she is scraping all the clams into a big bowl.
I shall inquire as to the acquisition of the clams.
SNOOPLES WHATS WITH THE CLAMS.
they are for the homely dogs!
DOGS DO NOT EAT CLAMS.
Snooples visage has become shadowed with a perplexed frown.
IT IS TRUE: CLAMS KILL DOGS.
Snooples, she has continued scraping the clams.
The Government, it had better not take away anybodys right to own and bear a chainsaw or I will be One Mad Kitten. That is all I have to say.
Anyways, there is a World of Chainsaws out there. You just have to keep an open mind.
April 30
Observing the neighborhood underneath the spiarea bushes through the viewfinder of Charlie's Hasselblad.
The neon sign in the window of the Gateway House For Homely Dogs, it is flashing
Homely dogs with napkins tucked into their collars, they are setting at tables all around the veranda. Those homely dogs, they are enjoying steaming bowls of clams.
Several minks with excellent posture and crisp white uniforms, they are waiting upon the tables.
Whisker Lickins and the Neutered Males, they are assembled upon the veranda stage. They are performing ALL DAY ALL NIGHT MARY ANNE. A porky pine with dreadlocks, he is playing the steel drums. A extremely fat woodchuck, he is playing the bongos.
The homely dogs, they are clinking their stemmed glasses of champagne. The homely dogs, they are cheering.
There is this one particularly homely dog. That particularly homely dog, it is setting in a dark corner of the veranda playing Canasta with a bunch of Corgies.
Good gracious that is one homely dog. I shall observe that homely dog more closely through these binoculars.
Oh it is Chessie with her head fur slicked down in a strange manner.
Who is Gracie De La Rue?
