Mama cats, don't let your kittens grow up to be little cowboys.
Don't let 'em get earmites and sleep under trucks.
Give 'em sweet names like Mittens and Fluff.
Mama cats, don't let your kittens grow up to be little cowboys.
They'll spray 'round the home, and they always will roam,
Even with lady cats that they don't love.
(Sung to the tune of "Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow up to be Cowboys")
September 1, 2003
Dear Muffin,
Big news. Bucky Lawless is turning over a new leaf.
Yours,
Gracie
September 3, 2003
Dear Muffin,
It is true. Bucky Lawless is turning over a new leaf. This is no joke.
Gracie
September 5, 2003
Dear Muffin:
It is hard to believe that Bucky Lawless is turning over a new leaf.
Bucky Lawless, he has always been on the wrong side of the law. At least as long as I know.
For example: Last fall Bucky Lawless and his buddy Bing Hamton from New York State skipped school for 11 days. They stole a old El Camino with Grand Canyon stickers all over the bumpers.
However that is not the end of the story. They drove out West. We all thought they were dead. Chessie took up a collection and purchased caskets plus a memorial service. Snooples wrote several songs and sent them to U2.
But then Bucky Lawless and Bing Hamton, they showed up. They walked into World Logic class wearing fancy cowboy boots and fringed buckskin jackets emboidered with cow heads on the backs.
They sat around for months smoking peyote and reading Arizona Highways.
But it is true. Bucky Lawless is turning over a new leaf.
Yours,
Gracie De La Rue
September 7, 2003
Muffin,
The thing is, Bucky Lawless used to be a outlaw. With guns and everything.
But now he is turning over a new leaf.
Yours,
Gracie
September 9, 2003
Muffin,
Actually, he still has the guns.
Gracie
September 10, 2003
Muffin:
See, Bucky Lawless has FOUND JESUS. That's what he says.
I had no idea Jesus was lost. But I guess anybody could get lost these days what with the large shopping malls.
One time when I was a little bitty kid the whole family went Christmas shopping at Altoona. I got lost at the Altoona mall. I was wandering all over the place for practically a whole day. I had to live on hot cheese pretzels and Banana Juliuses. It was a terrible hardship.
Yours,
Gracie
September 11
First day of school.
Ms. Wysiwig is at the front of the class writing disrupted sentences on the chalk board. Ms. Wysiwyg is demonstrating the difference between
its and it's
Somehow I expected the eighth grade to be more challenging.
Now we have to write an essay on the difference between its and it's. I have no idea what angle to take.
September 12
In the Lunch Room
Oh no. A egg.
It appears that Dad has packed the lunches for the day. On account of we all got a egg.
I do not care for eggs I find them to be gassy.
Chessie is sucking her egg out of the shell with a drinking straw. Chessie enjoys eggs and does not find them to be gassy.
Who the hell knows what Chessie is all about.
Maybe I will roll this egg off the end of the lunch table.
September 13
Dusk
Chessie is in bed early on account of Chessie ate everybodys eggs at lunch and now has the Feverish Ague plus Visions.
Me I am watching the squirrels outside the discotheque under the spiraea bushes. Three squirrels in Armani suits are trying to behave nonchalant. They are exchanging a rumpled wad of cash for a greasy sack of potato chips.
Now the squirrel who has recieved the cash is buzzing off in a shiny little DeLorean.
The other two squirrels are enjoying the potato chips.
Well, time for bed.
OH GOOD GOLLY THERE IS A BLOTCHY GHOST STAGGERING AROUND ON THE PORTCH. THAT GHOST IT HAS DARK AND PURPLISH-GREEN CIRCLES UNDER ITS DEAD AND STARING EYES. IT IS LURCHING IN THIS DIRECTION AND IT IS REACHING OUT ONE HIDEOUS GNARLED SKELETAL DISGUSTING HAIRY CLAWLIKE HAND.
Oh it is only Chessie holding out a Alka Seltzer packet.
September 17, 2003
Muffin,
If you have got any old taxidermized animals laying around feel free to mail them over here. I don't think it matters if they are eaten with moths.
Bucky Lawless says he is collecting stuffed animal donations to give to little kids at Christmas.
Yours,
Gracie
September 18
After School
Sitting on back portch steps with elbows on knees observing squirrels with binoculars.
A Gentleman and a Lady Squirrel have just arrived in a chauffeur driven Rolls Royce the size of a lunch box. They have exited the Rolls Royce. The gentleman squirrel is wearing a nice shiny black suit with tails plus a shiny black top hat. The lady squirrel is wearing a long peach colored gown and a peach colored tiara. They are gliding through the crowd of small animals waiting to get into the discotheque that is under the spirea bushes.
That peach gown, that is Ninis gown. Also the tiara.
Also the chauffeur is a toad. I did not know a toad could drive.
Now those two badgers with t-shirts with no sleeves plus tattoos are escorting a skunk out of the discotheque. That skunk is also dressed up in a top hat and tails. That skunk is extremely pixilated. That skunk is swaying around on the yard and is singing YOU TAKE THE WHEELHORSE AND I'LL TAKE THE LAWN BOY, AND I'LL BE IN SCOTLAND BEFORE YE.
Now the skunk has fallen over sideways. Now he is on his feet again, singing LLAMA O' THINE. He has picked up his top hat and has pertched it at a unstable angle upon his head. He is swaying resolutely in the direction of the yew hedge.
Now he has fallen down again. Now he is using his top hat for a pillow. He appears to be asleep. He is smiling in his sleep.
This is unseemly as it is only 4 o'clock in the afternoon.
September 19
Saturday Evening
Everyone else is rollerskating. However I have chosen to remain at home and observe the backyard wildlife.
The new L.L. Bean binoculars are excellent. Can see individual hairs on badgers.
The Bee Gees are playing at top volume inside the discotheque underneath the spirea bushes. I think they have Charlie's Bose speakers in there.
Now the badgers are escorting out one of the skunks. That skunk is wearing a red plaid suit and a red plaid top hat and a sparkly yellow sequined vest and yellow sequined spats. He has dropped his woolen scarf.
That skunk is looping all over the yard. He is looping over in this direction. He is singing FAREWELL MY NATTY LOON.
Now that skunk has sat down on the bottom step of the portch. That skunk, he smells like Dads expensive Scotch plus over-perked coffee plus old peat moss.
He has fallen to weeping.
HEY SKUNK WHY DO YOU WEEP.
I miss me old Mum.
OH OKAY.
September 21, 2003
Dear Muffin,
Today Bucky Lawless and Bing Hamton stood up in front of the class and they took their cowboy hats off and held their cowboy hats reverently in front of them and they had big sad eyes and they sang WHAT A FRIEND WE HAVE IN JESUS.
Amos and Moses the crows accompanied them on their dobros. However as it involved only monotinous strumming the crows looked terribly bored.
September 22
Planned to watch discotheque this evening. However when repaired to the back portch after supper with chocolate cookes and L.L. Bean binoculars, there was that skunk again. He was sitting on the bottom portch step. He was weeping once again.
HEY SKUNK NOW WHY TO YOU WEEP.
When I waddled off from the Old Country, me old Mum took on so.
OH.
Mind you don't go waddling off on your own. Sure as weasel pee, you'll be missing the Old Country as well. So ye will!
HEY SKUNK WHERE EXACTLY IS THE OLD COUNTRY ANYWAYS.
Over there behind the shed. That it is.
OKEY DOKEY.
September 23
After School
The badgers are escorting that skunk out of the discotheque again. That skunk he is wearing a green plaid top hat and a green plaid suit today. Also black and white spats.
That skunk is holding up a half empty bottle of Laphroag. He is singing SAW UP THE BOARDS, MY DARLING DIDDLES.
Now the badgers are escorting 2 more skunks out of the discotheque. Those skunks are also wearing green plaid suits and top hats. Those skunks are also singing DARLING DIDDLES.
Now all three skunks are swaying across the yard in an interesting pattern. They are holding one another up and they are singing DARLING DIDDLES in three-part harmony. They do not sound half bad.
September 24
Back portch. Watching discotheque with L.L. Bean binoculars.
A lot of little cars and bicycles are parked around the discotheque this evening. On account of the Beetles are giving a live performance. I hear the Beetles are pretty good. The lead singer is a dung beetle he crumbles up his guitar.
That skunk is stretched out on the bottom step asleep. That skunk is wearing a grey silk suit with black satin trim and a gray silk matching top hat with black satin trim and has all 4 feet sticking up in the air. That skunk is sound asleep. He is singing BIDE WITH ME MY WEE LITTLE ALLIS CHALMERS. In his sleep.
That skunk, I found out his name is Barley Tooney. His brothers name is Frankey Tooney. His other brothers name is Looney Tooney.
September 25
After School
At the dining room table.
Am tryng to study Astrophysics. However Snooples and Chessie are making too much racket. The noise is audible all the way from the front yard.
They are playing Clobber Stones.
Clobber Stones apparently involves roaring and leaping like lions onto 2-quart aluminum chicken stock cans with the tops and bottoms cut off thus flattening the cans. Then you must leap around and yell Ya! Ya! Ya! and then you drop a big flat stone on the can.
I would speak to them. But it is no use. Chessie would say something like:
mais non! it is salutary and voiciferous!
Or something of that nature.
I will stopple my ears with toilet paper.
September 26
Yesterday evening was very peaceful. Chickenloaf singing Marzy Doats over and over and over and over whilst drying the pans did not even bother much.
Then when Snooples pulled the utensil drawer out all the way and thousands of forks, spoons, weird-shaped strainers, tea balls, and razor-sharp knifes clattered to the floor and rolled everywhere and Snooples eyes welled up with tears I only flinched.
And when Chessie decided to use the old fashioned wall mounted coffee grinder that sounds like a hammer mill to grind up a whole bag of dried lima beans whilst singing JESUS BUILT MY HOT ROD at the top of her lungs I was not disturbed.
But then Dad returned from the grocery store. Dad marched in with a crate of manila sausages and announced in large Times New Roman letters
GRACIE PLEASE EXPLAIN TO US WHY YOU HAVE TOILET PAPER
TRAILING OUT OF YOUR EARS.
I had forgotten about the toilet paper, see.
Chickenloaf and Ben and Pia and Snooples and Chessie fell into a giggling fit.
September 27
In the Lunch Room
Bucky Lawless is standing up at the front of the Lunch Room. Bucky Lawless is singing HOW GREAT THOU ART. He is singing in excruciatingly slow four-four timing. It is a little difficult to hear and see Bucky Lawless on account of the kids at five or six of the lunch tables up in front are yelling like heathens and they are throwing dinner rolls at each other.
However Bucky Lawless perserveres onward.
Ben is accompanying on the accordion. Snooples is tapping a tambourine on each quarter note. Chessie is thumping a little drum.
All they need is a Sousaphone then they would sound like the band on Green Acres.
September 28
At the dining room table. Am trying to work on Its and It's essay. Cannot get Point of View correct somehow.
What is that racket. Oh it is Snooples and Chessie sighting in their rifles.
However I just recalled that Snooples and Chessie do not have rifles. They are just babies.
Oh I know, they must have borrowed Pias rifles.
Anyways I better get back to writing this essay as it is due in 3 weeks.
September 29, 2003
Dear Muffin:
Why in the name of humanity don't you write.
Oh, I know.
I bet it is cow dehorning time over there.
Yours,
Gracie
P.S. Did I tell you that Snooples says to tell you she is dehorned.
September 30, 2003
Muffin:
Honestly, I don't know why Snooples insists that she is dehorned. This has been going on for three years. We sort of just humor Snooples on these things.
However Snooples does have little nubs on her head. Where horns might have been at one time.
So maybe Snooples is not bullshitting I don't know.
Yours,
