Here we go a-slaying the meat sheep!
Hearken to the frantic little meat sheep!
Today they are darling little meat sheep!
Tomorrow on the table they'll be sheep meat!Here we go a tasting the sheep meat!
Broiling and basting the sheep meat!
Today we dine on terribly tasty sheep meat!
Which yesterday was cuddly little meat sheep!*
April 1, 2003
Dear Muffin:
Guess what. I am a cow!
Yours,
Gracie
April 3, 2003
Dear Muffin:
I am actually not a cow. That was what is known as a joke.
For example, you tell somebody that his international dog food stocks have tanked and are now worth approximately one shirt button, plus his wife has left him for a heavy metal bassist. Then just about the time when he is about to have three coronaries apiece, you tell him that this was a joke.
Then everybody has a good laugh!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
However it only works on April 1. This has something to do with the Suns revolution around the Earth.
Anyways, you try it on any other day, and you will have nothing but trouble.
Yours,
Gracie
April 5
Big fracas at home. Dad raging everywheres.
On account of Dads pink flamingoes arrived in a large cardboard box delivered by a turd-colored truck.
That wasn't the problem. Snooples and Chessie and Chickenloaf opened the box in the yard. On account of they thought it was their new rain slickers and matching rain hats and matching rain boots from Montgomery Wards.
But it was the flamingoes.
That wasn't the problem either. Those flamingoes, they were packed mongst 80,000 weird-shaped lime green Styrofoam blob-like things.
It was rather windy. All 80,000 Styrofoam blob-like things soon were bouncing all over the yard. Every one of us spent the whole rest of the day chasing those little lime green bastards. Chessie came down with the sniffles.
April 7
Breakfast. Wheaties sprinkled all over with Brewery Yeast.
What the hell kind of an idea is it to put Brewery Yeast on a cat's meals. That is what I would like to know.
Moms idea, that's what.
Brewery Yeast tastes like fiberglass-reinforced Quick-Crete. Then it gives Ben prodigious gas, which then we all have to deal with.
April 13
After school.
Practically raining hammer handles outside. Snooples and Chessie and Chickenloaf are out jumping in rain puddles. They are dressed in their new red rain slickers and matching red rain hats and matching red rubber boots from Montgomery Wards. It looks like a bunch of animated fire hydrants are jumping around in the driveway.
Am working on my Yellow Journalism assignment. It has to be an article about somebody who was abducted by aliens. Am writing about Snooples. Snooples has been abducted by aliens at least 17 times that she can recall. Once Snooples was even in a future life when Snooples wasn't actually the one being abducted but rather one of the aliens who was previously abducted but was currently doing the abducting somewhat in the manner of Patricia Hearst. Or something of that nature.
Nini is outside mulching her Gerberas. Nini's gigantic straw hat with the large plastic flowers is bobbing back and forth under the window. Lime green Styrofoam blob-like things keep floating around the Gerberas like herds of migrating after-dinner mints.
April 15
Midnight.
The day began like any other in Paris in 1923. Dawn rose and dissipated like a silvery mist and Little Snooples pedaled down the cobbled side streets on her bicycle, delivering fresh baguettes, her red beret with the gold ribbons trailing behind shining like a miniature sunrise.
WAAAAAGH
A GOGGLE-EYED GHOST COVERED WITH THE CORPSES OF SPARROWS AND DRAGGING A DEAD GOAT IS SHAMBLING DOWN THE HALLWAY
IT IS REACHING OUT A CLAWLIKE HAND
Oh it is Chessie sleepwalking in her nightgown with the sparrows all over it. Chessie is dragging her lamb by one leg.
CHESSIE YOU MUST RETURN TO BED PROMPTLY. YOU HAVE A SPELLING TEST TOMORROW. THIS IS BAD.
Knuckles! We must save the flamingos!
Oh good heavens.
April 17
Am concerned about Chessies mental health.
Chessie refuses to sleep in her bed at night. Chessie insists on sleeping in the bread box with the lid closed. Which means the bread has no place to go. It's not right.
Chessie refuses to sleep in her bed at night on account of Devil's Knuckles float by the window. No Devils, just their knuckles. Those knuckles, they don't rap on the window or anything. They just go floating by.
I have never heard of such a weirdassed thing in my whole life.
April 19
Lunch Time. They are serving Apple Crisp and Chicken Legs today. Any student who actually is a bird species gets a nice salad.
Nini is the guest pianist. Nini has brought one of her autographed Steinways. There are family farms in this state that are smaller than this particular piano. A candelabra the size of a dwarf fruit tree is blazing on top of it. Nini is wearing a long sparkly pink gown and a sparkly pink tiara. Also white gloves.
Nini is playing the THEME TO LOVE STORY. Now Nini is playing MOON RIVER. Now Nini is playing RAINDROPS KEEP FALLING ON MY HEAD.
Other than that the Lunch Room is strangely quiet. Everybody is eating their Apple Crisp and Chicken Legs as hurried as they can. Except for Ben, who has his paws clasped, listening rapturously. And Chessie who is curled up in a ball on her chair. Chessie is sound asleep.
Bens eyes are glistening. I think Ben is about to weep.
Now Ben is standing with one paw on the Steinway. Ben has joined in to sing the THEME TO THE GODFATHER. Everybody just got up all at once and they are crowding around the conveyor belt that carries the lunch trays off to God Knows Where.
Except Chessie. Who is still sound asleep.
April 20, 2003
Dear Muffin,
What did you think about my cow joke.
Gracie
April 21, 2003
Dear Muffin,
Anxiously awaiting response to cow joke.
Gracie
P.S. What is your opinion of Primal Scream Therapy.
April 22, 2003
Dear Muffin;
See, the reason I am interested in your opinion on Primal Scream Therapy is that Snooples has joined up with a Primal Scream Therapy group. They meet every Tuesday.
This is on account of maybe it will help Snooples cope with the Pre-traumatic Stress Disorder. Recently, Snooples was very upset on account of she figured out she was due to be a claw hammer in a future life. Or was it a current parallel life. I can't remember. Oh I know it was a past life, being that it was an antique claw hammer.
The surrounding issue is that Snooples thinks claw hammers are for hammering claws. Snooples does not wish to hammer claws.
Anyways, I figured you might know something about Primal Scream Therapy as you are practically a doctor and all.
Yours Truly,
Gracie
April 23, 2003
Dear Muffin:
Never mind about the Primal Scream Therapy.
Snooples no longer attends Primal Scream Therapy. On account of Snooples was terrified of all the screaming.
Now Snooples is in Water Therapy. They paddle around in a little pool.
GDL
April 24
The Devils Knuckles situation is getting out of hand.
Every night at eight o'clock Chessie climbs into the bread box with her Ren and Stimpy comforter and her toy lamb. Then Chessie insists that the bread box lid is weighed down with a brick.
One cannot even say anything to be helpful such as GET A GRIP CHESSIE or KNUCKLE DOWN CHESSIE. On account of then Chessie backs up in horror with one paw over her mouth.
Then you have to stay up all night playing Parcheesi. On account of Chessie will not even sleep in the bread box then.
April 26
Suppertime.
Mom and Dad and Nini and Weakie and Sugarlips have gone bowling. So I am in charge.
Chessie will not eat the lettuce. Chessie is shoving the lettuce all around the table with her spelling book. Like it is a snow plow. Now Chessie is shoving the lettuce inexorably towards the tables edge.
CHESSIE MIND THE SPELLING BOOK. YOU WILL SPOIL YOUR SPELLING BOOK.
The Romaine is infested! There is no hope!
NONSENSE ROMAINE IS HEALTHFUL AND DELICIOUS.
The Romaine is full of Devil's Knuckles! It must die!
There goes the lettuce over the edge of the table. It is draped upon a pack of little feral plastic dogs that were standing around on the carpet.
Now Snooples is jumping on her chair and yelling The Lettuce is Exterminate! The World is Saved! Chickenloaf is glumly pinching her lettuce with the hot dog tongs.
To hell with this lettuce I'm going out for a smoke. Pia has left the supper table.
Ben is blissfully chewing his lettuce. It is squeaking against Bens teeth. Ben appears to be the sanest individual present at the supper table this evening.
What is happening to this family.
April 27, 2003
Dearest Gracie;
Two sodden bundles of your letters arrived today!
Alas, our donkey friend who delivers the mail has a mild case of the heaves from eating moldy alfalfa. His brother, the pharmacist, is delivering the mail.
Unfortunately, the brother has a rather bad habit of chewing envelopes when he cannot obtain tobacco. And so, rather large portions of your letters' contents were previously digested and deposited along the road all the way from the postal station. This cannot be helped.
However, I was able to discern some sort of exciting news concerning a cow!
Your Best Friend From Far Away,
Muffin
April 30
Lunch Time. Snooples just buzzed past on her little red Vomit Scout Scooter. But it was a false alarm. Somebody dropped a whole tray of Turkey Arms all over the floor.
Uh oh. Chessie just opened up her lunch box and fainted dead away.
We looked in Chessies lunch box and this is what we saw:
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* Traditional meat sheep slaying song
